I saw someone the other day, reminded me of who I used to be. When everything was just so difficult. But it all seemed so beautiful. I kind of miss that. I’m comfortable now, and I’m not longing for things I can’t have. And it’s better this way. But it certainly isn’t more interesting.

Everyone has that person, that they loved despite themselves. Despite the fact that I knew it was killing me, I remember him. I remember calling him at night, just begging for him to be there for me. Just this one last time. It was real love, and no one will ever convince me otherwise. It was only that it came from just me. And he wanted to let me down easily. But I was too far gone, it was impossible.

I stayed up at night hoping he would call. I fell asleep thinking about what I’d say to him when we next spoke. The dreams I had were of me drowning and him watching. The meaning wasn’t burried deep in those dreams, but I refused to see it. I would make him love me one day, I would swear to myself. Because that’s how it works.

Except it doesn’t work that way. And you can’t control anyone other than yourself. And even if it was more interesting, longing is only longing, and it’s a very good way to put your life on hold for years for no reason at all. Sure, I’ll wait for you… I’ll wait for you to decide. I’ll wait for you to come back. I’ll wait… and then wait… and my life will go on around me but I’ll wait…

And longing is beautiful. But it isn’t practical. And it isn’t living life. And I miss saying beautiful things, but I don’t miss much of my life anymore, and I am glad for that. Instead of thinking about what my life will be, I’m living it. Every day. It’s messy and comfortable, and it’s a day in blue jeans and a night in sweatpants. But it’s a life. It’s not waiting.

I’ve been writing a lot lately, just not here. Mostly about unrequited love. It has a funny way of staying around and poking at you, doesn’t it? Loving without being loved in return is a lesson that is hard, but worth learning. Because not everyone is going to believe you’re an amazing person. Not everyone is going to “get” you. Someone somewhere is going to think “This will never work out.”

It sucks. That’s the only way I’ve ever known to put it. Unrequited love left me crying for days, no, weeks. I just never understood what he didn’t see in me, when I could see it in him.

Looking back, he wasn’t ready for me. Most people aren’t. I’m just a little too brash for my own good. I’m a little too me. Despite all efforts to be effortless, I just am me regardless of the situation. And despite all the confidence I’ve found in that over the years, apparently not everyone thinks it’s the best thing in the world. I don’t mesh with everyone, even though I always wanted everyone to like me. I was both overly confident and a neurotic child when it came to interactions with others. And, unrequited love was similar.

The problem was, I believed in him. Just all the way down to my gut, I believed he could be the person I could see deep down. He couldn’t. I pushed. He didn’t believe in me. And that hurt.

But getting hurt is something I had to go through. I had to know that everyone has a heart that can be broken. I had to be aware that the smallest thing to me could feel huge to someone else. I had to feel all of those things to understand what not to do. I had to feel that to understand that people are fragile, despite how they may seem.

I told him how hurt I was. I showed him. He didn’t love me, it didn’t matter. And that’s the way life goes sometimes. I’m not really glad I got so broken down by someone else, but I’m glad I can have an understanding of others through myself. That’s something he couldn’t take away from me.

Hope there’s a conversation….

Life has a way of working things out… in the long run. I have to believe that every day I get up and go to a job that is only a paycheck. Six out of Seven days in a week I’m working someplace that slowly sucks the life out of me. I enjoy working with people, I enjoy the people I work with, but I just want two days off, job security and love. I have the third thing, and yet it’s not enough. I want something to live my life on. For the rest of my life. I want a job that I’m HAPPY to go to and happy to come home from and don’t have to be embarassed to say that’s where I am. It’s easy to be me when we’re on the boat on the lake, but every other day it’s hard to get up and go to work and it’s hard to make it through. So, I’m believing that life has a way of working things out in the long run. I don’t hate where I am, I just have to remind myself every day that I’m working towards something better one day. I don’t believe this is the best I can do, I believe I can do so much more, and I have to keep working to get there. I’ll be where I need to one day. Until then I’ll write songs in my head, and draw when I’m scared. It’ll all work out and I have to believe that.

There are places I remember….

I find the past sometimes has a way of sneaking up on you, finding you in the quiet moments when you are all alone, and hitting you over the head with feelings you didn’t remember you had. You think you’ve put it away, thrown it out, but you’ve only put it on a shelf, that has a way of coming back into view when you least expect it.
Sometimes it’s the sad memories, of things you’ve lost of places you didn’t want to be, or sometimes it’s happy memories of people you loved…and all of the sudden you’re thinking about things and people who aren’t around, and who won’t be, and you’re questioning the choices you’ve made and the place you’ve ended up.
The past is sneaky that way.

Inspiration. It’s easy to take for granted when it’s all over. Until one day you wake up, go to put your pen to paper, or your paint to canvas, and it’s just gone. It could last a day or a week, or a year… or more. It’s just gone. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.

It’s not that I don’t see beauty in the world, it’s everywhere. The problem is, I see beauty, and it’s…beautiful enough. I don’t need to paint it to show the world how beautiful it is, it’s wonderful where it is, how it is. I suppose this is partially due to being quite happy and satisfied in my life. I have found when I am upset, painting is like drinking water for me, natural. And yet, I’d rather be happy, I wish there was a medium place. Where I could be happy enough, and still have enough left to paint something I am proud of.
I miss creating. I will get there again. Hopefully it will not take being unhappy to get there, hopefully this is just a small bought of “writers block,” and tomorrow, inspiration will hit me like a brick.

75 skills a woman should master

After reading Esquire Magazine’s “75 Skills a Man Should Master” and trying to find a similar, and appropriate list for women online (a major failure), I have decided to make a list for myself.

A Woman Should Be Able To:

1. Run at least one city block without being so out of breath you feel like passing out (EVERYONE should be able to do this, it’s a matter of health)
2. Haggle for a better price, know when to walk away.
3. Play poker. 5 card stud, texas hold ‘em, doesn’t matter what kind of poker, just know how to do it.
4. Cook at least one delicious meal, that everyone wants seconds of, including you.
5. Do your hair in an acceptable manner for receiving guests in under 10 minutes. I don’t mean know how to pull it up in a pony tail.
6. Walk in high heels, even if you don’t want to do it often.
7. Buy an outfit that will make you feel killer.
8. Do kickboxing, karate, or some other form of self defense. Men shouldn’t be the only ones who know how to protect themselves.
9. Pick out the best produce.
10. Make a man (or woman) do what she wants based on her power of persuasion.
11. Turn down a drink from a man (or woman) she does not want to talk to, politely.
12. Make a friend while standing in line for the bathroom, grocery store, clothing store, you get the idea.
13. Give good advice that will be taken.
14. Paint your own nails
15. Plan an amazing party.
16. Be able to laugh at fart/sex/etc. jokes, because, REALLY , it is funny. Being self conscious and only laughing when the world says it’s okay isn’t cute anyhow.
17. Cook Bacon, it isn’t good for you, maybe. It is delicious. And goes well with nearly anything.
18. Make french toast. Kids really love themselves some french toast.
19. Know about some beers. At least know one kind you enjoy and would not mind drinking should the bar run out of your drink of choice. Leading me to 20-
20. Have a drink of choice, that you can make well, and drink well. I have chosen jack and diet myself, as I am not very profound and can not easily make drinks.
21. Know how to let go of a grudge.
22. Know how to let go of a person. Sometimes, enough is enough. Know when you’ve gotten there.
23. Know which direction you are driving at any given time.
24. change a tire. It’s not hard, even in heels and a skirt.
25. Laugh at yourself. Sometimes, you’re just not all that great. It’s funny, not embarassing.
26.  Balance your checkbook. Turns out, occasionally banks do make mistakes. If you know what you SHOULD have in your checkbook, you might be able to catch it.
27. Create a financial plan for your future based on your present.
28. Know what temperature meats should be cooked to.
29. Drive a pickup truck.
30. Know when something is wrong with your vehicle.
31.  Drive stick shift. That’s right.
32. Know how to build a fire.
33. Volunteer. okay, maybe not a skill. But we should all do some good if we can.
34.  Know about investing. Invest.
35. Be able to take risks. In love. In life. In general. I find the riskier the thing, the greater the reward. But don’t be so risky you lose your house and well being because you were foolish. But go skydiving. Let yourself fall in love, even if you’re scared. Let yourself be who you really want to be. It’s hard to let yourself go, but it’s worth it.
36. Pack just one bag for a week long vacation. Not one GIANT bag. And, a purse or carryon filled with magazines for a plane trip is okay too. But one bag, for a week. Stop bringing your eighteen shoes everywhere. It’s hard, but you never end up wearing all those clothes and shoes anyhow. Bring what you actually need.
37. Know lifesaving techniques… CPR, heimlich. Because you don’t want to be somewhere thinking, I wish I could help.
38. Say something nice when given the opportunity to gossip. It’s hard sometimes, when you really don’t care for someone. But you’ll feel better in the end.
39. Forgive someone who has done wrong, with no expectations or explainations. With no BUTs attached to it. Because “I forgive you, but…” means, I don’t forgive you, and you shouldn’t waste your time pretending you do in that case. Forgiving is often hard, but it feels good when it’s actually done.
40.  Find a perfume that’s not overpowering, but you love. Light enough that you can wear it without everyone around you getting a headache or feeling nauseous.
41. Put on eyeliner. Most women just think they know how. But their face says otherwise.
42. Argue using facts, not emotions, and win every time. .
43. Work a drill, use a hammer and a screwdriver- electric or not.
44. Plunge a toilet.
45. Drive in the snow. And the rain.
46. Hold a baby. Even if you’re afraid you’re going to drop him or her. Hopefully you won’t.
47.  Be able to go out alone. To dinner, to a bar, wherever you want. You don’t need a bunch of people, you need yourself, and you need to be able to have fun when you’re alone or with a group.
48. Know how not to participate in an argument just because you know the people involved. Sometimes temptation is just that, and doesn’t need to be given into.
49. Know how to chose sides in an argument, and how to speak to either side without making them defensive.
50. Appologize. Because sometimes, you really are wrong. I know. It’s hard to admit, but you have to own up to the things you do, even though it’s awful a lot of the time.
51. Know how to go with the flow. Things don’t always go as planned. They almost NEVER go as planned. Such is life.  Go with the flow.
52. Give a sincere compliment.
53. Receive a compliment.
54. Know how to survive in a tornado, flood or earthquake. Because you never want to be caught unaware or have to wait for someone else to tell you what to do during an emergency.  
55.  Painting a wall. Because let’s say you’re renting, and your whole house is supposed to be pure white, and you screw up the walls. You’ll have to repaint a whole wall, not just spots or you’ll not be getting your deposit back. You’re welcome for the heads up. So, know how to quickly paint a wall.
56. Read a map, or know your directions well enough not to get lost without a GPS, because sometimes the satellites are all out of order. Sometimes you left it in the other car and SOMETIMES it’s out of batteries and the charger is in the other car. You need to be able to get by sometimes without technology.
57. Care for a plant without killing it. (I’m still working on this).
58. Jump start a car. Because sometimes, your battery dies, and you desperately need to get somewhere.
59. Swim. Because you might be stuck in some water some day, and you don’t want to be all…drowned. And you don’t want to spend your whole life afraid of going on a boat or on a dock or anywhere where if you were to fall off you’d be in big trouble. So know how to swim well enough that you can not drown.
60. Ride a bike. Because everyone should know how to ride a bike.
61. Know how to be mad without ruining a night for everyone else. Because sometimes drama is just dramatic and not for everyone else.
62. Know how to hold your liquor. Know your limits. Unless you’re 21, you have no real excuse for falling down drunk.
63.  Know how to listen to other people. Because sometimes what other people are saying is important, too.
64. Have a fight with your family without ending without speaking to one of them for any amount of time.
65.  Fix a fuse.
66. Do laundry. Without shrinking anything you don’t want shrunken, or turning your whites pink, gray or any other color that isn’t white.
67.  Write a thank you note.
68. Not say you’re sorry unless you A) ARE sorry for something B) Actually have something to be sorry for, stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.
69. Know how to order a martini.
70. Know how to use a computer. At least log on to google. I was thinking about not putting this, but apparently some people are still clueless as to how to turn on a computer much less get on to the internet. It’s something you should know at least the basics of. Technology won’t go away if you ignore it, you might as well keep up with the times if you can.
71. Parellel park. Because not everywhere has parking garages, or convienient pull in spaces.
72.  Know when someone is lying to you.
73. Proof read, because this originally said parellel park, which looks strangely like #71, thank you proof reading.
74. Remove a stain from shirts, carpet, rugs, jackets etc. Because you don’t want to go get a new one.
75. Know what isn’t worth doing yourself. Sometimes, it’s worth the money to not waste your time. Time is money. It is.

Or maybe you don’t need to know any of these. Well, some of these things are worth knowing…for sure.